Mr Winkys

I lost my focus on discussing crappy dates and was discussing the philosophical side to what I’ve learned and gained and how you can learn from my mistakes.
I think I lost some followers. 
You can blame my mum, she keeps reading these blogs & I feel like I need to make them somewhat G rated.

So back to the juicy stories.

Shane* lived in Belmont. He had his own house and big fast Commodore. He had a boat & he was a bit of a sleaze. He was cute though, yup with tattoos. I met him out drinking, so what more could I expect other then trouble. I have come to the conclusion I will not meet my Prince Charming when I’m out drinking.

We texted a few times. We met up for the second time at 16 Footers for a drink.. he kept suggesting I go back to his place which I didn’t do. I guess I have morals, plus I wasn’t even sure he knew how to say my name as he kept calling me “mate”.

After the second date, or maybe it was technically the first, I wasn’t sure if there were sparks or not. He seemed interested though & suggested we catch up for a night in with some movies. I agreed. We organised the next Saturday night I’d go over & we’d grab some pizza & movies. I got myself ready, you know jeans and jumper & got some snacks. I knocked on his door & he answered.

He was naked.

I was gobsmacked. So I did what I do best. I laughed. He opened the door & ushered me in. I was still laughing. I asked him what was he doing, he got rather embarrassed. This wasn’t just a funny prank! I think he thought I would be so impressed by his nakedness that I would also get naked. I didn’t quite understand what was going on & suggested he get dressed so we could watch some movies. He then told me he thought we would skip the movies and just “enjoy each other”. Again I laughed. This wasn’t what I had in mind. I think he got offended by my laughing (or maybe it was the snorting going hand in hand with the laughing) & then grabbed my arm & escorted me back out the door. He told me to f@#k off & slammed the door on me. Being the fatty that I was (or am?) I knocked back on the door & asked for my microwave popcorn back.

I drove off laughing. I wasn’t sure whether to be amused or scared that this had happened. He texted me on my way home & told me not to ever contact him ever again as I was a dirty slut who lead him on & didn’t know what fun was.

Honey, I know what fun is. I also know what weird is. But how did that make me a slut??


Moving on but sticking to the same theme.

Glen* had braces. He was super annoying, he also mumbled when he talked & I was getting sick of asking him to repeat himself. He was always drinking & wanting to catch up only when he’d been out drinking & had his beer goggles on. I’d run into him on the odd occasion & he’d be a sleaze & suggest I come stay over at his place one night. This never happened.

I saw him at the Kent one night. I was in my non drinking stage. Which I occasionally do for no good apparent reason. He asked me for a lift home & I felt on the spot & like I couldn’t say no. So I obliged.
We were driving along in my Corolla. He was being a sleaze & I kept telling him to mind his manners or walk home. Next thing I know, he says “oi” & I look over.. he had his Mr Winky out to show me. I pulled over & told him the put that the eff away & to get the eff out of my car. I dropped him in Lambton & he lived in Edgeworth. Nice walk home with Mr Winky Glen. 

Guys are disgusting. Who does that?

I would also like to take this time to mention two more Mr Winky stories.

Both occurred at Marketown. Circa 2008. On my way home from work I used to stop in at Marketown often to get groceries. During one night time shop in the meat section I was looking for something for tea & I heard this “hey darl” in a disgusting slurred bogan voice. I looked up to see bogan man in his tiny tiny shorts poking his Mr Winky out the side for me. I was disgusted. I laughed & went to tell the girl at the front counter but I was in hysterics. I think all she heard was “I wasn’t looking for sausages for tea”.

A few months later, back visiting Marketown, this time I was waiting in the car for a friend to get some groceries. I was parked out in King st near the park & the big trees. I noticed this weird man lurking around the trees. Next thing his pants were down & he was rubbing all over the tree. It was a sight for sore eyes. I called the police with that one. They asked for me details three times and didn’t seem to believe me that there was a naked man having sex with a tree. WHYYYY would I lie about this?


Heres some advice:
Guys I really think you need to keep it in your pants. Don’t get it out during unnecessary situations. ie: in the meat department at Bilo or in the car when you’re getting a free ride home. & also don’t send me pictures to my phone of your bits. I don’t want to see it. I don't know any girl who likes looking at Mr Winkys.

He's Just Not That Into You

It's pretty obvious when the guy you are day dreaming about is not into you.. or is it? Sometimes I really don't know, they seem keen, then when I'm starting to be keen.. they're not keen. It's this confusing web of back & forth "is he interested in me".


I just want you to not play stupid games & tell me if you are interested in me. Even if something's completely obvious, until you verbally come out & admit it. I probably won't believe it.


I've done plenty of stupid things when it comes to dating. 


Example A: Asking a guy "so what do you want to happen here" , when he was trying to get me into bed. He then proceeded to talk dirty to me. No dear, I mean in the broader scope of things.. what do you want to happen? where do you see this going? Ok so we hadn't even been on a date.. but surely I deserve to know his intentions?


Apparently not. 


One of my favourite movies is "He's Just Not That Into You". I wish every girl would watch this movie & study it & realise yes sometimes we do stupid things, but dating is hard work & if you don't try & actually put yourself out there & take a chance & speak up. How will you ever get what you want?


After all my dating experience it took one movie for me to realise a few pointers & it's really only been this year that I've followed this ideas/rules. (I'm single so it's obviously working haha, but seriously I am HAPPY single, which is what counts)


If he’s not calling/texting you, it’s because you are not on his mind.
Commonsense really. But this can work in the opposite way, because if he's constantly texting you or calling you after midnight. Then yeah you're on his mind, maybe a little too much & from past experiences if you are being contacted after midnight, you probably are on his mind for one reason only (& it's not a deep & meaningful 3am chat)


Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do.
Whether it be call me, take me out, pick me up. You only get one chance. 


Remember men are never to busy to get what they want. 'Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating.
This is evident from calling me at 3am, you are obviously too 'busy' to call me at a reasonable hour. But if you really like me & really want to see me, you will make time for me at a reasonable hour. But I won't be waiting.


Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable.
I totally am. Especially when I'm drunk. You should miss me when I'm drunk. Actually you should miss me every moment you aren't with me, I think?


It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less.
Maybe it's that bad boy with the tattoos & 6 kids with the charm. But no job.. but the cute smile.. but no car & with no personality. Don't "settle". Also remember I have discovered the hard way, you can't change people, you accept them as they are. If someone needs to be changed for you to like them, then that's "settling".


You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another.
As soon as he does something weird, or that you are uncomfortable with. MOVE ON! & get over it quickly.


If a guy punches you or picks on you he likes you. You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time.
If a guy punches you or calls you names who is over the age of 7, then run away. There is no exception to being with someone who is nice to you all the time. There is no reason for a guy not to nice to you. There is especially no reason for a guy to make you cry for being not nice.


A man would rather be trampled by elephants on fire than tell you he's just not that into you.
If he's not calling you. If he's not wanting to see you. Walk away. Don't chase. 


Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you.
The feelings need to be made obvious. Like I said above, I am not a mind reader. I need you to tell me if you like me. If I have to wonder about it & drive myself crazy thinking about what's going on then it's time to walk away.


Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with. 
Enough said. I'm difficult enough, or stubborn maybe. Two of us wouldn't work.




These are my rules I now try & follow.


1. I will not go out with a man who hasn't asked me out first.
2. I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone.
3. I will not date a man who isn't sure he wants to date me.
4. I will not date a man who drinks or does drugs to an extent that makes me uncomfortable.
5. I will not date a man who makes me feel sexually undesireable.
6. I will not be with a man who's afraid to talk about our future.
7. I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me.
8. I will not date a man who is married.
9. I will not be with a man who is not clearly a good, kind, loving person. 
10. I WILL accept rejection or that things didn't work & move on.


I have followed through with most of these, when I've felt like I'm wasting my time or I'm questioning if he's interested. I have walked away. 


Perfect example last night during drunken adventures with my school friends, lets call them Romy* & Michelle*. I managed to become the focus of one guys attention. He wanted to dance & flirt & then wanted me to go with him & his friends to another pub. I didn't. He asked if I wanted his number. I turned this around & gave him mine & figured if he's interested he would contact me. He did. Two minutes after leaving he texted me. I didn't chase, I didn't follow. I stayed put. I said I'm not coming to meet you. (Although he kept saying "meat up", & we all know how I feel about bad spelling). I kindly advised him I was staying where I was with my friends & maybe I'd see him at the food joint later on. That happened, we talked some more. But what I learnt was me agreeing to that, and thinking I'd be sharing a pide with the guy, wasn't what he had in mind. I am glad Michelle asked him right up front what his intentions were, was he planning on dating me or taking me out. Although maybe asking him if I could be his date to his brothers wedding wasn't too cool. His intentions were for me to go home with him. I declined. (I mean how would I get home from Belmont haha) He then suggested we sneak off for some alone time. I declined. I'm not that sort of girl & clearly he just wasn't that into me to treat me decently. 


Maybe I should've settled for the other guy who took a fancy to me, he was somewhat retarded, his mum cuts his hair (badly), he had about 5 teeth & was terrible at Karaoke.


I'm looking for my happy ending to find someone great & not to settle. Not some guys happy ending in an alley way, what would he offer to pay me for my services? or we shake on it or hug it out? Then say "call me". Which wasn't going to happen.


So I guess in conclusion, for me...
"maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope"

Bad Boys or Trouble Makers & Me. 

I do have a thing for trouble. I get myself in trouble all the time. I’ve always been a little bit rebellious myself. The tattoos, the piercings (now mostly removed), the attempts to be tough. I class this stage as my mid 20’s crisis. Or my quarter life crisis. 
Although I think I’m still in that stage, as I have no idea what I want to do with my life, I’m still waiting for “things” to happen & not making them happen myself. But I do realise that, so maybe that’s the first step of change? 

I attract jerks, this is common knowledge. Sometimes I only have myself to blame because of the “type” of guys I go for. I have a thing for bad boys, or trouble makers, or those with colourful pasts. Sometimes it’s because I like to think I can “fix” someone. It’s like a challenge or a mission that I set. Yup lesson learnt ten fold. People don’t really change. You either accept them as they are, or you move on. 

I think it’s easier to break these into categories. 

The independent guys with mummy issues. 
These guys can be tricky. Sometimes they are all “I’ve been independent since birth I don’t need no woman” sort of attitude. Which is difficult when I’m a very giving person, do anything for you sort of girl. I don’t like being taken advantage of, but I do like doing good deeds. So let me. I appreciate you are independent so am I (sort of). But letting your guard down won’t kill you. Not all women are out to get you, or are we out to rule your life. 
I once went out with a guy, who was a little bit younger then me. Although much bigger then me, he had a few tattoos & piercings. One of those tattoos was for his mother who had passed away when he was in early high school, he had her birth date tattooed across his heart. The same birth date as me 24^th May (Ok the year was different) When I saw it, I told him this. He cried. He then didn’t speak to me for two weeks. I was annoyed and asked him what was up, he told me this wasn’t going to work out, but would I like to sleep with him on random occasions when he invited me over when he felt like it. I politely declined. 

The Stoners 
These guys can be draining. I don’t care what other peoples after hours activities are. However you can’t expect me to be in your life if you are off your face all the time. I am pretty sure I will start to doubt your judgement etc. 
I can’t even discuss specifics about this guy or it will no doubt get back to him. But he was someone who would rather get stoned then do anything else. I didn’t even date him. I was trying to “educate” (ie: change) him & show him there is a whole world out there & people to socialise with & there’s bands to go see & places to go eat. Sitting at home being stoned watching South Park is not my idea of a fun time. I don’t even like South Park when I’m sober. Isn't that just sort of depressing? I am pretty sure I am out of my "woe is me" stage (mostly). Also , no I won’t lend you $50 until pay day as I know what you are going to do with that $50. I also won't come over late at night to "hang out". I know what that means.. the answers no.

The Drunks aka the midnight callers 
Just because you are drunk does not give you the right to call me for a lift at 2am. If you are my boyfriend and we have been together, sure I will do what I can for you. But if we aren't together & you don’t even have the decency to invite me out for a drink with you, but then call me when you’re drunk & ready for a lift. The answer is not going to be a Yes. I also don’t need you to tell me how much you love me when you're drunk & its after midnight. This is not appropriate. Especially if we have really hung out a few times. Also saying something like "I THINK I might be attracted to you" is not going to get you anywhere. I had an ongoing saga recently, where I was trying to give someone a chance who really didn't deserve a chance. During the week he was single, then of a weekend when he was drunk he was in love with me, but only after midnight when it was time for a lift. This also meant trying his chance at "sleep overs". Again, I know what this means.. the answers no.


So I guess in short, the bad boys just want one thing.. & it's apparently not my amazing conversation skills or awesome jokes.. all of these guys have had one thing in common. Tattoos &/or piercings. So maybe I need to stay away from that "type".

So WHY are you single??

*note- this blog may be a bit more sentimental etc & not just for the guys to laugh at my bad dates. 

I hate this question. It gets asked often. A lot of the time by “older” generations questioning how I can be 28 & not settled down etc.


Well I had a list going on my Facebook & I think I was up to number 137 at one stage. But really, isn’t being single a choice? I could be in a relationship & be unhappy? I’ve dated my fair share of jerks, who I could’ve stuck with & waited it out just to be “in a relationship”. 


But why would anyone want that? I’d rather be happy single, then unhappy & with someone. I am not bagging out those in relationships, that’s great for you. I’m sure its hard work & there’s good & bad times. I just know that I’m waiting for the “right guy” before I am happy to fully commit to someone. (no not in that sense, I’m not a virgin, sorry) 

There are plenty of reasons why I’m single. I once told my Grandma it was because I was a lesbian & it was hard to find a good woman. And I am pretty sure at some stage my dad might have had his suspicions I am a dyke on a bike. But no need for concern, I am strictly dickly. 

It seems to be an expectation that we find someone , we settle down, we have kids & a mortgage. 

What if I don’t want that? What if I don’t know what I want? 
If the right person comes along, maybe those things might be a possibility. 
But what if I remain happy & single forever? Why is this so frowned upon? 

I have accomplished a lot in the last few years. It’s no secret my main goal in life for so long was to lose weight. Which I am still doing. I was possibly born on a diet. Losing weight doesn’t change who you are on the inside. I am still me, maybe a bit more confident a bit more active etc. 


Deep down, I’m the same person with the same morals & same values. 
I think though being that “bigger” girl who got picked on & hassled, made me so self conscious & scarred me to the point where it is something I focused on. (maybe some days I still do).Considering at age 9 or 10 I was told to lose weight to score a boyfriend, that sort of sticks with you. & really I was told this my whole life. It plants this unspoken seed that I really wasn't good enough unless I was a size 6 bikini model. (umm yes I've admitted finally this won’t ever happen). 

I massively depressed for quite awhile. (those close to me knew this, I tried to hide it to everyone else) I was in a horrible place that took awhile to get out of. 

It took me a long time to realise there are other goals to achieve. Maybe I want to travel? Maybe I want my own unit.. It was only when I realised there were other things in life I wanted, that I realised I was “happy”. Or content might be a better word. 

So back to reasons why I’m single. I will try & be as realistic as possible, but I can’t make promises. You may or may not agree these are good reasons, but I’m being honest & maybe some of you secretly want to have the same reasons or attitude to things. These are no specific order.




I’m opinionated. 
I have an opinion on everything. I won’t agree with you just to save an argument. I think you should be able to argue your point intelligently & agree to disagree. I know I’m not always going to be right, but I like to think I’m right. Do I need to remind anyone I was on the debating team?


I don't shave my legs in winter
No one sees my legs so what does it matter. 


I wear pyjamas in public & sometimes socks & thongs 
I have no shame. I will wear my pyjamas in public if I feel the need. I will wear them all day if it’s possible. I have no problems with wearing socks with my thongs if I’m cold. 



I speak up when something’s wrong. 
I am not a “nothing’s wrong” sort of girl. If something’s up I will tell you. I will make sure you know when I’m mad, I will make it obvious if you’ve done something I don’t like & I expect you to fix it. 


I love NKOTB & my music taste is eclectic & I force people to listen to my choices.
I really do, I listen to them in the car all the time. I appreciate that nobody else (especially straight males) may love New Kids on the Block as much as me. I listen to everything from Fleetwood Mac to Alice in Chains to Justin Bieber. I don't mind if you don't like any of my choices, but remember if it’s my car its my music. 

I don’t fart. 
It’s true. I don’t. I'm like a medical marvel.

I have an obsession with dogs & watching Animal Cops on Animal Planet. 
If I am not doing anything on a Saturday night, this is what I will be watching. With a tissue in one hand & my other hand over my eyes in case I don’t want to watch. I often talk to dogs, stranger dogs with their owners, sometimes I speak in barks sometimes I say hello expecting them to respond. I find this all completely normal behaviour.

I also have an obsession with Law & Order & affiliated shows. 
This probably means I could kill someone & get away with it & represent myself in a “court of law”. 

I am a cheap drunk& I think I’m hilarious 
I’m that annoying girl who gets even louder when they drink & even more annoying. I like to make friends when I’m drunk. I will randomly talk to people. Sometimes about inappropriate things. This is often embarrassing for all involved. Remember the nice French man who is actually Turkish? Well that sort of stuff.

If I don’t like your friends, I will tell you 
I am not rude, I will tolerate people. But if I don’t want to spend every weekend with your best mate & his boring fiancé who wants to talk to me about wedding cake toppers, don’t try & force me. 


I want to hang out with my friends, on my own
I don’t expect a guy to hang out with my friends, they are my friends for a reason. Sometimes I want to hang out with them to get away from you. 


My family is crazy
We all have crazy family members. & if you do I will also tolerate them, but I expect the same in return & my parents take the cake (sorry mum you know you do)


I get fake tans. 
Yup I do. I hate being the pasty ghost looking girl in photos. Especially around Xmas time where there’s parties to go to etc. The only thing wrong with this, is when I do it myself & its patchy & I look like a large oompa loompa trying to get a job at Supre.

I’m selfish. 
I am happy to admit it. I really am selfish. When there are times that I’ve had a boyfriend (yes 3 or 4 times in my life this happened), I refuse to just do what that person wants to do. I don’t want you to come over & lie in my bed & watch Fox Sports. It’s my TV & its my Foxtel so I’m watching The Kardashians. You either watch it or you leave. I care about what I want to do, not necessarily what you want to do. I might come to a compromise, but if I really don’t want to go Paintballing, then I’m not going. 

I rip other people off. 
So this makes me a bitch? Yup. But do I do it to your face? Yup. Therefore its acceptable right? 

I own/watch alot of B grade movies
Movies like Splash & Grease & Mannequin & High School Musical make me happy. Deal with it.


I worry ALOT which can come across needy.
I hate feeling unsure, & not knowing what's happening or where something is going. I worry whether someone actually likes me. I then ask questions & obsess over it. Which then comes across as needy. Yuk. Needy people. Yuk.


I own more shoes then I care to admit
Shoes are the one thing that ALWAYS fit.


I'm stupid & do blonde things
Sometimes I get my words mixed up. Note to self, lesbian & lebanese are two COMPLETELY different things.


My eyes don't work
I can't see to save myself.


I'm crazy
I actually am. Certifiably crazy. This makes me highly emotional & sometimes unreasonable.. also known as "bitchy"


I’m clean 
Enough said really. I don’t want your smelly ass in my clean bed. I don’t want you wearing your dirty shoes on the white carpet. I don’t want you farting in my car or on me. I also don’t want you eating in my car & leaving crumbs (unless I’m also eating then its ok, especially if its ice cream, again that’s ok). 



& the no# 1 reason why I'm single.


& this is a direct quote 


"You have a giant stupid bird tattoo on your back & You will NEVER find a husband with that"


Next time I get asked the question, I now have a huge list of reasons why... not just because "I haven't found the right guy".

Things Not To Do On A Date

Just a checklist for those in the dating world.. or maybe you will one day be in the dating world.
These are again personal experiences as my life is amazing.


- Don't Fart.
It's a simple one guys. Even if you think it will be hilarious. There's a time & place for it. First date is probably not it. First date at a nice venue is definitely not it. Maybe ease your way into the farting, not all girls are into this.


- Don't burp in my face.
I can appreciate too much beer or soft drink makes you want to burp. But in my face? Really?


- Don't eat my food
I am all for sharing, when I actually know you. If I leave the table & come back & you are hoeing into my meal I won't be impressed.


- Don't lecture me about Religion
The first date needs to be easy & not complicated. No one wants to hear your religious views to the point where you are offending my choice of friends and lifestyle. I have left a guy to pay (only a few weeks ago) when he laughed that I had "faggot friends". This sort of behaviour only makes you look like a redneck. I also don't need to hear about every bible chapter that you found life changing.


- Don't discuss your ex in details.
Ok we all have a past, do I need to know everything there is to know about your ex? No. If she calls you during our date & you feel the need to take the girls call, then maybe you shouldn't be out on this date. Especially if you need to take this call & actually walk away from the table.


- Be on time or at least let me know YOU AREN'T COMING
If you know you are busy or stuck at work, or you just don't actually want to come. How about giving me a heads up. If we are meeting somewhere & I'm there first & its 5 minutes until the movie starts & you aren't there. This is concerning. If you then fail to show up, thats known as being "stood up". Even if you text me later with a shit reason. I won't forgive you.


- Wear shoes
As previously discussed. Shoes are important. I will judge you harshly if you turn up to a public venue, at night, with no shoes. (please note I wear thongs a lot, I'm not against thongs I am against bare feet)


- Don't forget your wallet
You know this is a shit excuse. Who leaves the house & doesn't do the "keys, phone, wallet" check. Idiot.


-Don't start fights
This is meant with other people. I don't need you to prove your testosterone to me by fighting with other guys when I am trying to get to know you. I don't care what they say or do. Get over it.


- Don't send me a picture of your cock before we are meant to meet up
Well self explanatory really. 
Along this line of story I once met a guy in town who kept harassing me for "sexy pics". I said don't be stupid I'm having a shower & going to bed. He replied "ohhh send me a sexy shower shot". So I literally took a picture of the shower cubicle & sent it to him. I never heard from him again.


- Don't discuss sex
I'm trying to date you. Not screw you. If you keep asking me sexual questions like if I'm good at acrobatics or if I fantasize about other girls. This will mean I will never see you again & I will ensure you know & everyone else knows I think you are the biggest germ on the face of the earth. Don't get me wrong I am no prude, (I probably know more about the gay sex world then some gays) but there's got to be a line that you are crossing. 


- Don't ask me where you think this is going or if there are sparks on our first date.
If you are unsure & have to ask, then maybe wait until after the date or until the second date. But if it's one of the first things you have to say. I might run away. 


- Don't give me your 5 year plan.
Things change, if your 5 year plan includes moving to Canada in the next 3 months. Why are we even having dinner? I am happy to hear your plans in general & what your dreams & goals are. But if your house is for sale & you are moving OVERSEAS. This might be an issue for us to keep catching up.


- Admit to having kids, the right amount of kids too.
If you genuinely expect to see me again. Telling the truth is highly important. If you have kids don't forget . Even just the one, mention it. But saying you have "a kid" when you have 4 is not telling the truth is it?


- Do you have a criminal record?
If you can't seem to account for your whereabouts between a certain period of time, I am either going to think you are a stoner or you were in jail. When it is the latter, its bound to come out at some stage. I ask A LOT of questions.


- Don't share TOO much personal information.
It's our first date, I don't need to know you've had a bad case of diarrhea today & can't eat anything spicy & then tell me the stench was atrocious. This will make me gag & we will both sit in silence without eating. This is also up there with discussing your ingrown toenail.


- Don't ask me what I earn or how much money I have in the bank or how much debt I have.
Sure long term this might be relevant to you. But right now? Nope.. not your business. Also along this line, don't brag about what YOU earn. I don't care right now. I want to know what you're about. Sure you can tell me what you do, if you are successful , if you have your own place. But I can then put two & two together & work out myself if you earn a decent living.


- Don't compliment me & put me down in the same sentence
I don't care if I am the first "bigger girl" you have gone out with. This is irrelevant to me as you are the 100th jerk I've gone out with. Even if you then tell me I'm very funny etc. I will still be focusing on the "bigger girl" comment. I once had a guy say something along the lines of "I would never have gone out with someone who looks like you a few years back, but I've really grown & matured & like your personality". Ok well thats nice. Now go fuck yourself.


- Don't dump me or date me on Valentines Day
There is too much superficial pressure on Valentines Day for us to go out. In saying that though, I don't want to be dumped on Valentines Day either. I mean surely you knew February 13th you didn't like me? Why wait that extra 24hours?






I am sure I have plenty more of these "don'ts" but that will do for now

The Criminal

In the words of Fiona Apple “What I need is a good defense , cause I’m feeling like a criminal” 

Dave* was charming, he was only a year older then me, but was successful. He had his own business, it had something to do with property development. How a 25yr old could be successful at this was beyond me, I was barely successful at reverse parking let alone something as foreign as property development at 25. 

Although there were a few signs that maybe he was telling me a few porkys on just how successful he actually was, as he also did live still live with mum & dad. I was pretty naive and going along with it.


Our first date was to Scratchleys, beats a Schnitty sanga at the movies or a drug deal behind Maccas. So this already impressed me. I was told I could order what I wanted as he was paying. I should’ve gone all out with the lobster & oysters. But I just had some sort of fish, nothing too expensive. I had to save room for dessert (which he also paid for).

We went out a few times, he drove a flashy car, some sort of VW. It had leather seats & electric windows. It was impressive. (what can I say material things made me happy). We would usually go for dinner. He was always dressed flashy with a big flashy watch & that overpowering smell of expensive aftershave. I got a bit sick of him bragging about his “Hugo Boss” suit collection or his “Louis Vuitton” cufflinks. At this time of my life I think I mentioned I was a bit of a Kmart sort of girl. (maybe I still am). 

Dave bought me my first Guess handbag. He introduced me to the world of expensive handbags (well semi expensive, I’m sure there’s more expensive then Guess). I didn’t know what to say to the guy. I mean I was gracious & accepted the gift, I was just surprised as we’d only been out to dinner a few times and hung out & watched some movies. I hadn’t even slept with him & he was giving me expensive things. Maybe if I had, I could’ve got something even more expensive. 

It wasn’t really serious, it had only been a handful of dates. He mentioned something about going out for breakfast & how he liked doing this. I suggested we go out for breakfast one weekend. Well “Sundays (he told me) are when I catch up with my ex, we do breakfast every week”. Umm ok. Sure nothing odd about that. 

I started to get really annoyed with Dave & his OTT spending & bragging & the whole besties with ex. So I didn’t return his calls (the mature way of ditching someone). 

A few months later I ran into him in Hamilton, he greeted me with a big hug & still had the overpowering expensive aftershave smell. I agreed to catching up for a coffee & left it at that. (I wasn’t really going to see him I just said it to get away). 

A few months after that, here I am reading the paper one morning & literally spit out my Special K all over the pages. Here is a picture of Dave coming out of Newcastle Court after his arrest for credit card & identity fraud. He had stolen clients cards & information & made unauthorised personal transactions from his business card. He owed over $100,000 & was arrested after months of investigating. 

Uh oh. So somewhere out there I might be included in some surveillance photos & technically I am an accessory to the crime if I received dinners & handbags out of fraudulent transactions. Does this make me a criminal? Or an accessory to a crime? I don’t know but I’m still waiting to be arrested. But I felt like a criminal by association.

From what I heard Dave got a suspended sentence on good behaviour bond but had to work to pay back the money he stole, or something. 

Hmm.. I wonder if he’s still single...

Liar Liar Pants on Fire Part II

The next lies or liars, stuck to the same theme & feelings got hurt here. 

We will refer to this guy as Aaron*. I actually met Aaron at Wests. He didn’t live too far from there, as I seemed to be hanging out there quite often of a weekend (the downstairs Taronga Zoo Lounge was hilarious). I thought he was cute. I struck up a drunken conversation. It took a few weeks then he asked for my number. (I never ask for someones number, it’s just my thing). The first lie he told was that he was studying medicine at Newcastle University. He wasn’t, he was doing a Certificate in Nursing at Tafe. Same difference right? I mean who am I to judge I quit Uni after 12months. Although I’ve never lied about it. 

I didn’t find this out until the shit hit the fan after the other lies came to a head. So we’d been out a few times. He’d even been over to my house & met the parents. & I’d met his parents. He’d stayed over too. But I later learnt this was because it was the middle of Summer and the ducted air conditioning was apparently more attractive then me. I did find it odd he would send me texts during the day asking if he could come over & watch TV that night, I figured this had something to do with the fact I had Foxtel in my room, maybe it was both. (air con & foxtel really make me appealing)

Anyway, it was becoming very couple-y & I wasn’t really sure where it was going. I was out grocery shopping one day & ran into a friend, I mentioned this guys name (surname included) & that maybe I’d met someone who actually likes me. She laughed and said “that’s funny a girl I work with her fiancé has the same name”, after a few more questions we realised it wasn’t just the same name. This was the SAME GUY!! Yup he was engaged. This was bizarre, as I’d met his parents so who on earth did they think I was? Just their sons taxi service maybe. 

I got home from shopping rather frazzled and upset, so I called him. I wasn’t yelling or screaming. I just said “look I met up with a friend & mentioned your name, do you know Heather*, as umm apparently she’s your fiancé”. I thought this was reasonable & not accusing. But Aaron didn’t, he yelled at me for sticky beaking into his private life and that whoever Heather was , was not my business. Well Aaron, you’d been in my home, in my car, in my bed & in my pants (sorry mum). So yeah it was my business. The next lie he told me was they were on a “break”. But was she his fiancé, technically yes. Did he lie to me & pretend maybe there was something happening here & obviously I assumed he was single, yes. Did I feel like an idiot? Yes.  


I didn’t realise you had to actually ask someone if they are single when they've asked you out. I now do ask this on dates, just to make sure. I thanked Aaron for using me & wished him all the best for his upcoming wedding. The bitch in me wanted to call his fiancé and inform her, but I decided I wasn’t that person & let it go. 

This next liar, well it was only maybe 18months ago. So it’s the most recent of the lies. Lets call him Greg*. Greg was a train driver. He lived in Charlestown & he had two young daughters. I was hesitant to date someone with a kid, let alone two. But I mean I was 27, I’m hardly a spring chicken, guys my age & over are bound to have baggage. 


We hung out quite a few times, either getting dinner or movies or just hanging out. It was pretty casual. I was trying to be friends before I decided or agreed on anything else. He was awkward to talk to in person, like he didn’t know what to say. Or he’d be texting away to his mates (I assumed) when we were at the movies. He went away to Adelaide for work & asked me to take him to the airport & pick him up as he had “no other way” of getting there. So I did. (why can’t I ever say no). He texted me & called me every night, he was only away for 3nights. Then I picked him up & he was all “oh I’ve missed you” etc etc. Wow, I figured this one actually liked me. He wanted me to meet his girls, but I put it off, I didn’t want to be uncertain about anything & have kids involved, what if I liked them more then I liked him?

So I hadn’t seen him for a few days, and was getting my Facebook chat on with a friend (the same girl who told me about Aaron a couple of years earlier funnily enough). I told her I was sort of dating someone, or at least hanging out. She was too. We compared guys, his name was Greg too & he was also a train driver. Ummmmmm WTF!!! Yup it was the same guy. 


Turns out the nights he wasn’t texting me, he was texting her, or when he was with me & texting his “mates” it was her. She was also asked to take him to the airport but had to work. Although she had gone one step further then me & had sleep overs with him. I wasn’t too heartbroken, I was gobsmacked that I was lied to, & I didn’t have any real suspicions that he had someone else on the side. But never the less the story gets better. 

I asked him about this, of course the friend & I both texted him at the same time asking WTF. 

He responded to me, he hadn’t seen her in over two weeks and wanted to see what happened with me yada yada yada. He wanted to talk about it, I didn’t really. I didn’t feel a huge connection to be able to sit & listen to his apologies. He’d left his jacket in my car after I’d picked him up from the airport so I said I'd drop it off after I'd been out for dinner. I pulled up & got out of the car, this girl came outside on the verandah & I was a bit puzzled. Greg wasn't home, but his ex partner (mother of his kids) was home, not that I knew it was her, but she kindly told me who she was & that she moved back in with him two nights ago  & she also tells me to get the fuck off her property. I was so taken aback I just threw his jacket in the dirt & drove off.


Seriously, why do these guys like me? Why do I find every asshole there is & give them a chance. There's always a lesson to be learnt though. Don't lie. It's that simple. It will always come back to bite you. I don't think its unreasonable to be truthful, ie: mention your fiance, or the other dates you are going on or the fact you actually aren't going to be a doctor.


Good thing I don't hold a grudge.. oh , wait?

Liar Liar Pants on Fire Part I

I have no doubt I have been lied to many, many times. 


But there’s always those times that stick in my mind as being significant. Possibly because my feelings were hurt. There are small lies that are told, you know, “I can’t see you tonight because (insert reason here)” , or “It’s not you it’s me” (everyone knows this is rubbish, it’s ALWAYS you) or "yeah you look really nice in that" (fuck off you look like a bucket of lard in a cardigan) 


Those sort of lies I can deal with. It’s the big life changing lies that I don’t tolerate, yet some guys it just doesn’t phase them to lie through their teeth to me. 

The first story is starting off small, this was a crappy lie, & not one I'd say was life changing & although it was a lie, it wasn’t the worst of them. 

We will refer to this guy as Mick*, & yup he was from MySpace ( I was so vulnerable, somewhat desperate maybe). I didn’t set out to meet this one. I wasn’t feeling too good about myself around this time. It must have been 2005/2006. I was still struggling with my weight & had drifted away from a lot of friendships and had become a bit of a loner. (yes I was super depressed, but thats not what this blog is about, maybe I invented Emo before it became popular)

Anyway Mick chatted to me, told me I was very pretty. Clearly my head shots, self taken of course, were doing me justice. His pictures were the same, but I was naïve I didn’t think anything of the fact he only had a few pics from the shoulders above. 


After a month or so he asked for my number & we started texting. Then he wanted to meet up, I was a bit self conscious & surprised he liked me, from his pictures (all 3 of them) he looked quite attractive & somewhat out of my league. He had a hotted up Skyline and seemed like he was Mr Popular. 


He told me he was 6ft4 & was 110kg & played football. I found this intimidating & I put off meeting up again & again. 


Until I was at the beach late one Sunday afternoon, he texted me that he thought he saw me walking & I realised that was his Skyline parked in the car park. So I went over to say hi. 

The 6ft4 guy, was actually 5ft4, he missed a foot with his description. He also wasn’t 110kg. He was 190kgs (he later admitted that, I’m not guessing). I guess what’s 80kgs between friends? It's hardly like I was going to notice. 

Well yeah I noticed alright. I was rather annoyed, he spent weeks pretending he was something he wasn’t. Who does that? It was a blatant lie. I questioned him about this a few days after we said "Hi" in person & he told me he knew I would never be interested in him if he told the truth, which may have been true but I think I deserved the right to make that decision myself. 


At this time I was maybe 120kgs & hardly a catch. Maybe I would've really liked him had he been honest. Anyway he then proceeded to get mad with ME for being shallow etc. He completely overlooked the fact he lied to me. This wasn't the issue to Mick.. the issue to him was I didn't like him because he looked like a relative of Shrek. Honey, if you lie to me about something as obvious as how you look, you can't get away with it. You could've lied about anything else & you may have gotten away with it.


Maybe I should've just been happy he wore shoes?


This never happened again. I refused to meet anyone via the frigging Internet world again. Ever. Obviously online you can be whoever you want & you don’t have to be truthful. I should’ve told people I was Megan Gales twin sister. Jangan Gale who modelled footwear, mainly thongs, & who had a holiday house on Hamilton Island. 

I actually think each liar or lie deserves their own blog entry.. so I will tell another tale tomorrow.. or the next day, I can think of another 3 at least. 

Mr Schnitzel & Mr No Shoes, the first of the weirdos

Mr Schnitzel & I met through his housemate lets call the housemate Corey* , funny story that. Corey was trying to hit on me for months & asking me out etc. I always politely declined, I was starting to get standards & spelling has always been important... Corey was lacking in his ability to spell.


These were the MySpace days so his housemate (who was Mr Schnitzel) added me as a friend too, turns out we had a few friends in common.... hmm yet no one warned me about him.
Our main topic of conversation was about Corey who amusingly left me love notes all over my MySpace page (due to his bad spelling Corey could never spell my name properly) 
We also talked about movies & our mutual love for chicken schnitzel. 


Mr Schnitzel asked me to the movies one Sunday arvo, as friends. It wasn't a Friday/Saturday night so it obviously wasn't a date. I agreed, I was obviously lacking in experience & judgement back then. 
So we met at Glendale, I don't even remember what we saw, I knew he walked there because he only lived up the road in Argenton (another blacklisted area). He also bought himself a packed lunch.. you guessed it. 
A schnitty sanga. Being the fickle person I am, I felt embarrassed sitting next to the guy who couldnt afford popcorn. Who takes a packed lunch to the movies?   

Conveniently after the movie it was pissing down rain so he asked for a lift home. He also offered to lend me some TV Series he'd downloaded that I was interested in. So I went inside. Bad move.I walked inside & it smelt bad, it looked bad from the outside too, I must have been desperate to watch whatever it was he had downloaded. He went into his room to get the DVDs & I stood inside the doorway. 
I noticed a schnitzel on a plate on his desk.. & then something wrapped in foil under his bed. Me being me made a joke about his drug stash under his bed.. nope it was just an emergency schnitty. 
I was pretty disgusted he had all these dirty plates lying around & schnitty everywhere. So I got the DVD & started to walk out, & Corey then got home.. & saw me walk out of Mr Schnitzels room. 
Corey & Mr Schnitzel then got into a war of words, that apparently turned physical. I never stayed around for that... & I kept the DVDs & refused to speak to either of them again. 


At least it didn't put a dampener on my love of schnitty. 


Mr No Shoes was also of MySpace but he was a random.. he looked cute though. 
He was also the first of the US State names, which have included Denver, Dallas, Dustin (its not a State but still) & Utah.. ok I made that one up. Never the less all the US State name guys never went anywhere...I was so distracted by their tacky names I don't think I could take them seriously.

Anyway, my bad judgement meant Mr No Shoes ticked all the boxes (there were maybe 4 boxes at this stage). He had a good job, he had a good sense of humour & seemed quite decent.


He also turned up to our coffee date, on Darby St, without any shoes... This is where the fussy me really started to develop.. I was horrified & asked what he was thinking, I assumed footwear in public, especially at night.. on Darby St is a necessity. Apparently not.
He disagreed and thought of himself as a free spirit, I told him he could go free his spirit elsewhere as I couldn't be seen with someone who didn't wear shoes. Maybe it was a turning point for me? It was the first time someone really hated me for being "shallow". I'm sorry Mr No Shoes but this footwear business is a requirement in life.. not a choice.


Another weirdo that springs to mind is the obsessive guy with the bad teeth who sent me flowers & rocked up to my house with a love letter... my mum taught him at one stage & was horrified he was on our door step. I was never "allowed" to date him.. or so he thought. He was a little odd & obsessive with not only me.. but World of Warcraft. He also like dragons & medieval things. Many years later he added me on Facebook & he has now married a woman 30yrs his senior & lives in the US. He met her somehow through World of Warcraft & they had a medieval wedding with swords and horses. I really missed out with that one.. Oh I also deleted him after I laughed at his wedding photos.



The next lot of stories will be about the liars...