From The Beginning..

I guess I should start with a bit "about me" for those who are reading this & don't know too much of the background behind this..
I am extremely unlucky in love. At first this was quite hurtful.. and took me time to understand it may not even be MY fault. Now it's got to the point where it's all just amusing.
These stories and adventures are going back over my whole life.. & I'm 28.. so this will be months of blogging. 


So back to the about me.. I am a confident person about most things in my life.. I was in debating teams & won public speaking awards. I work in customer service & need to be confident or I'd get walked all over. However when it comes to guys, thats another story. I think this starts from being overweight all my life & never being "that" girl that the boys wanted.. I was always the mate to play handball & make fart jokes with. Now if anyone doesn't know, I have lost a fair chunk of weight, 65kgs in the last 3-4yrs to be honest (& I'm not done). So yes I was a chubster during my early school days.. but then that became not so cute in High School. Late High School & soon after was when my weight escalated out of control. 13yrs later, I have just managed to wear my yr10 formal dress to a fancy dress party & it was actually big. Funnily enough I think the big girl will always be there, the sensitive not so confident big girl especially when it comes to guys.


I never had boyfriends at school, my first recollection of anything to do with boys was in 1988 in Kindergarten, Plattsburg Public school. We shall refer to this person as Rocky*, he was dreamy. He had a rats tail & a tan, it was love at first sight for me. I asked him to be my husband (this answers a lot of questions about my wedding obsession as it started at 5yrs old) & that I had a special seed inside me that he could water & we could have babies.. & name them after NKOTB (thanks mum for telling me the wrong facts about the birds and the bees). He declined & told me girls were horrible. So I spent the next few lunch times trying to catch him in "catch & kiss" , I was never very good at athletics, he always got away. 


There was one time though, that I did manage to grab him & give him a big kiss on the cheek. I think that's where I went wrong as this was more the sort of kiss your grandma would give you & he obviously wasn't impressed. 
I remember the feelings, yes I was 5, but I remember being embarrassed that I kissed him & that he told me to get lost. I felt upset that he didn't like me.. but being 5 I got over it. I ended up focussing my attention on NKOTB writing them letters declaring my love for the next few years.


Later on in primary school, boys perked my interest again. I had a super crush on a boy in my class, lets refer to him as DB. My wonderful friends at the time kindly told him my feelings & asked would he "go out" with me. I'm not sure what that would of entailed back then.. maybe just some more handball. Anyway he declined.. & said he would go out with me if I lost weight.. I was maybe 9 or 10 & I remember it in details because I was so taken aback by that.. maybe thats all it took to score a boyfriend, it didn't matter if you were funny or kind or the smartest girl in the world. You just had to be skinny. Starting this pattern of thinking at this age was probably not healthy.


So it turns out primary school, schoolyard adventures really paved the way for the rest of my life. Chasing boys & having them reject me until I changed ie: lost weight & then maybe they'd reconsider... it's ok you can laugh I am. 


High School is more so a blur.. sure there were boys I liked, but I learnt from those primary school days not to do anything about it. I wasn't "that" girl who the boys liked, if they ever did they got ripped off endlessly from their mates & soon gave up. There is one High School memory which sticks. I was at the school dance it must of been year 8 or 9. The slow songs came on & I would go back & sit down. Except for once, and once only a lovely boy who I was in a few classes with & I am still friends with to this day said he'd dance with me. He did for about 30 seconds until his mates laughed at him for dancing with ME & he walked away ashamed & embarrassed. I was happy for those 30 seconds and felt special. So thank you to that boy.. he wouldn't even remember it, but I do. 


I got used to being the fat funny one and gave up on trying to have a high school boyfriend, sure there were dreams and tears & probably fights over boys. But in the big scheme of things I always knew it was my friends who got the boys. Maybe I should've focussed on my studies or something worthwhile & I could've been a doctor by now instead of a bitter & twisted cat lady.


My first actual boyfriend, if you'd call it that, didn't come along until I was maybe 19. I met him at the Uni bar. He was visiting from Sydney to meet some friends. We might call this one Steve*. However our relationship soon turned into a virtual relationship. Emails & texts and MSN. I was head over heels for this guy, if I didn't talk to him at some stage during the day it was a bad day. However all our failed attempts to meet up never eventuated, mainly from him cancelling. I didn't have the confidence to move on. This went on for maybe 3yrs.. lol I know right! 


In that time we maybe saw each other in person 4 times. After a reality check I told him this was all a bit ridiculous as we both weren't making the effort, obviously, to see each other. He cried & told me he couldn't live without me. Which made me feel terrible. So I went.. well ok, we both need to make more of an effort & maybe I should look at moving to Sydney (yeah right). Two weeks later he dumped me & told me he'd had girlfriends all along. He must of been a busy boy as I know for sure I took up ALOT of his time being the needy person I was (or am)


I decided after that heartbreak (& trust me I lost my shit), as stupid as the relationship was. I would date as much as I wanted I wouldn't waste my time waiting for some guy to decide if he liked me enough to actually spend time with me.. I also decided I needed to lose weight & alot of it. This was 2003/2004... I think I'm still in the same state of mind actually lol


From here is where all the amazing dating stories start....