Mr Winkys

I lost my focus on discussing crappy dates and was discussing the philosophical side to what I’ve learned and gained and how you can learn from my mistakes.
I think I lost some followers. 
You can blame my mum, she keeps reading these blogs & I feel like I need to make them somewhat G rated.

So back to the juicy stories.

Shane* lived in Belmont. He had his own house and big fast Commodore. He had a boat & he was a bit of a sleaze. He was cute though, yup with tattoos. I met him out drinking, so what more could I expect other then trouble. I have come to the conclusion I will not meet my Prince Charming when I’m out drinking.

We texted a few times. We met up for the second time at 16 Footers for a drink.. he kept suggesting I go back to his place which I didn’t do. I guess I have morals, plus I wasn’t even sure he knew how to say my name as he kept calling me “mate”.

After the second date, or maybe it was technically the first, I wasn’t sure if there were sparks or not. He seemed interested though & suggested we catch up for a night in with some movies. I agreed. We organised the next Saturday night I’d go over & we’d grab some pizza & movies. I got myself ready, you know jeans and jumper & got some snacks. I knocked on his door & he answered.

He was naked.

I was gobsmacked. So I did what I do best. I laughed. He opened the door & ushered me in. I was still laughing. I asked him what was he doing, he got rather embarrassed. This wasn’t just a funny prank! I think he thought I would be so impressed by his nakedness that I would also get naked. I didn’t quite understand what was going on & suggested he get dressed so we could watch some movies. He then told me he thought we would skip the movies and just “enjoy each other”. Again I laughed. This wasn’t what I had in mind. I think he got offended by my laughing (or maybe it was the snorting going hand in hand with the laughing) & then grabbed my arm & escorted me back out the door. He told me to f@#k off & slammed the door on me. Being the fatty that I was (or am?) I knocked back on the door & asked for my microwave popcorn back.

I drove off laughing. I wasn’t sure whether to be amused or scared that this had happened. He texted me on my way home & told me not to ever contact him ever again as I was a dirty slut who lead him on & didn’t know what fun was.

Honey, I know what fun is. I also know what weird is. But how did that make me a slut??


Moving on but sticking to the same theme.

Glen* had braces. He was super annoying, he also mumbled when he talked & I was getting sick of asking him to repeat himself. He was always drinking & wanting to catch up only when he’d been out drinking & had his beer goggles on. I’d run into him on the odd occasion & he’d be a sleaze & suggest I come stay over at his place one night. This never happened.

I saw him at the Kent one night. I was in my non drinking stage. Which I occasionally do for no good apparent reason. He asked me for a lift home & I felt on the spot & like I couldn’t say no. So I obliged.
We were driving along in my Corolla. He was being a sleaze & I kept telling him to mind his manners or walk home. Next thing I know, he says “oi” & I look over.. he had his Mr Winky out to show me. I pulled over & told him the put that the eff away & to get the eff out of my car. I dropped him in Lambton & he lived in Edgeworth. Nice walk home with Mr Winky Glen. 

Guys are disgusting. Who does that?

I would also like to take this time to mention two more Mr Winky stories.

Both occurred at Marketown. Circa 2008. On my way home from work I used to stop in at Marketown often to get groceries. During one night time shop in the meat section I was looking for something for tea & I heard this “hey darl” in a disgusting slurred bogan voice. I looked up to see bogan man in his tiny tiny shorts poking his Mr Winky out the side for me. I was disgusted. I laughed & went to tell the girl at the front counter but I was in hysterics. I think all she heard was “I wasn’t looking for sausages for tea”.

A few months later, back visiting Marketown, this time I was waiting in the car for a friend to get some groceries. I was parked out in King st near the park & the big trees. I noticed this weird man lurking around the trees. Next thing his pants were down & he was rubbing all over the tree. It was a sight for sore eyes. I called the police with that one. They asked for me details three times and didn’t seem to believe me that there was a naked man having sex with a tree. WHYYYY would I lie about this?


Heres some advice:
Guys I really think you need to keep it in your pants. Don’t get it out during unnecessary situations. ie: in the meat department at Bilo or in the car when you’re getting a free ride home. & also don’t send me pictures to my phone of your bits. I don’t want to see it. I don't know any girl who likes looking at Mr Winkys.